from the land of the dead

So...I just got back from a state B&B association conference. I thought it was gonna be pretty cool. I'd get to meet other people who do the same thing I do, we'd share war stories about guests gone awry, I'd get to learn something from the veterans, and maybe get a few suggestions as to how to get our Murder Mystery Weekend booked. Well, I was WRONG!

The conference took place in Canandaigua, aka BumFuck, NY. Tis finger lake country, lots of wines (well, crappy NYS wines), apples, Wegmans & grapes. I've never seen so many grape pie stands in a 5 mile stretch. I wonder how they stay in business! Seriously, it took 5.5 hours each way for my mother and I to drive there. We pulled into our hotel, which was right on the lake. It was done up in a very lodgy fashion, I felt like I had stepped into the Great Northern, and that suddenly Agent Cooper would be sipping hot, amazing coffee. Well, Kyle MacLachlan never appeared, and the coffee was awful. There was a gas fireplace in the room though, and radiant heat in the bathroom, so that was pretty neat.

After checking in, we drove over to the conference site. Another restaurant on the lake, which featured mediocre food and a decent banquet hall. The view at this place was just as cool as our hotel's. Our trip to the conference site was highlighted by Cheshire, a town we decided to call "Toilet Paper Town" because it was a tiny blink of a place, completely draped in toilet paper from when the high school kids cover the town for Halloween. Apparently they just let it disintegrate over time, and it really looked like winter there. They even hit the sheriff's station.

On arriving at the conference, I was introduced to some people my mother knew. Everyone was over the age of 50, except for me. I couldn't help thinking that none of those people would be innkeeping 15 years from now. We also walked around and met all the vendors who would be at all three days of the conference events. Home Depot was even there, sponsoring a drawing for a complete wireless drill, power saw & flashlight set. There were a couple of soap vendors, some software people & a video twosome of boys who looked like they were fresh out of college. We all had dinner, had a little meeting and crawled into bed.

The next day we had breakfast at the conference site, and then proceeded to go through a series of workshops. The first was about leadership. I was very confused, as I think everyone there owned their own place, so weren't they already leaders? The next workshop was about branding. This is something we've also already done, and I think my mother has been training me in since birth. So both workshops turned out to be completely lame for me, but hopefully fun for the few aspiring innkeepers in attendance.

Then it was scavenger hunt time, oh boy! We were sent in teams to the town to take digital photos, visit shops and landmarks, and get to the know the town in a little shameless marketing style. We received all sorts of useless items, such as shitty chocolate in the shape of the state of NY, candles that smelled way too strong, and my favorite thing, a little toy that makes a funny noise when you swirl it around in the air.

We came back to home base, compared notes with everyone, and then had the vendor's drawing. Some folks gave away 20% off gift certificates, or a $100 gift certificate to LL Bean. Everyone was waiting on the Home Depot drawing. Finally, they pulled my name out! I won the drill! I've never won anything. I was pretty stoked. I picked up my set, and right after that a dude won a soap basket, and then asked me if I would like to trade. I said "Not on your life buddy!"

That night was the Winemakers Dinner, back at our hotel, another part of the conference I was looking forward to. Unfortunately, it was another let down, except for the part where we got to see some Native American dancing. That part was pretty cool, beautiful colors, fun people, and things I'd never seen before, plus a retelling of the Iroquois creation tale involving a turtle and the sky woman. The NYS wine was horrible, and the grape pie for dessert was nasty. My mother loved it though.

We had another breakfast the next day with the rest of the Hudson Valley crew. We got down to the war stories part, where I told the story of the finger lady, and my mom told the story of one of our innkeepers and her adventures with some trannies, and the story that followed that really solidified the fact that we are not like other innkeepers. The only thing that came out of these people was a story about how one time they had gotten a booking for an adult woman, her father, and her baby. The inn in question only had one room left, and it only had a queen size bed. The woman had decided to take it, and the innkeeper felt like something weird was going on. The innkeeper was later relieved to find out that they were canceling at the last minute and she wouldn't have to deal with them! I wanted to raise my hand and volunteer the information that I take naps in the same bed with my father all the time! But I decided to keep my mouth shut and just go with the so not interesting flow.

We ran out of there right after breakfast and went straight to the Canandaigua Spice Company, which is the BEST thing about Canandaigua. I was able to buy strange things, like organic lovage, and beluga lentils, for almost nothing, and I am so happy! After that it was back to civilization, with a murder mystery in the car to listen to with Mumsy.

In the end, I learned almost nothing, except that we are very unique people, and that one should buy their spices in upstate New York!